To Daniella

Beautiful and fiery, you swept me off my feet with your charms, and you knew it. You did not hesitate to let me know how much you meant to me. You had a place in my heart and you knew it. But your attitude left a lot to be desired. At some point I was scared that if I continued with you, you would lead me to my death. Your incessant quarrels and endless nagging were giving me a headache, and you knew it. You thought you could get me to do what you wanted by forcing me to seek peace. But you failed to take note that there were several ways to seek peace, one of which was to leave you. You counted on the fact that such an option was non-existent. But how wrong you were! Even now, I am not a man to bend his utmost convictions for anyone. Those convictions were not acquired overnight. They were acquired through severe trials and testing that proved that they were my only options for living a fulfilled life. Not even a passionate lover could separate me from such fiery convictions, especially not by employing such methods as you did!

I remember the day I made up my mind to leave. Even I could not believe I had eventually come to the point where I was giving up what I had sacrificed so much for. I guess that is how God works. One does not know what he can do until he is pushed to the point where he is left with no options. God proved to me that He could make me give up what I had valued more than Him by creating a higher need that strongly competed with my relationship with you – the need for peace. And so our once beautiful, passionate and undying love for each other would be sacrificed on the altar of peace. It was clear that there was no way I could find peace with you. But I would not have believed even if the most genuine prophet had made that statement two years ago. I hesitated briefly at the door as I packed my things together to leave. But my hesitation gave way as I considered my doctor’s health report. His advice had been simple: avoid heated discussions, worry or any other factors that could stress your body any further.

You did not think I would see it through – our separation. And so you were shocked when I visited you at your office with my lawyer to sign the divorce papers. You were further shocked when I agreed to let you have the most of the property we worked for together. You did not think that day would come when our blossoming relationship would wither beyond the point of revival. Even a plant when cut off, blossoms at the scent of water. But this plant had been uprooted, passing the point of revival. And so it was that you gave it all up – it was never up to you to keep it anyway. I had always been the one to insist on our staying together. But you enjoyed it all. I gave so much to keep us together. But not only did you not appreciate it all, you ignored it all and went on like a mad sow to rip apart everything our relationship ever stood for. And now, we are left with nothing but the ashes of our love.

I have moved on and found peace since our separation. The absence of children in a marriage that lasted about a year made this easier for me. I cannot imagine having to bring up my children in this kind of messy situation. No, that is not the life I planned for them to live. And I thank God they were not here to share in the pain that characterized our fateful separation.  I would certainly tell them the story when the time comes, so they can avoid the pitfalls I could not avoid. The scars of that damage remain deep inside my heart, though I appear to be doing well, having escaped the worst that could have happened. Rebuilding my personal finances has not been as easy, but I was never one who cared for much wealth anyway. I have learnt to be content whatever my state.

I still think about you though, but not with the hope of us coming back together. Instead I think about you with a firm resolve that I should never find reason to join business with you or with anyone of your kind. For I am becoming more and more convinced that you were sent to pull me down, to destroy me and see to my end on this earth. But God did not permit that. And only that same God can now help me to really forgive you, for all I have done is to put away thoughts of you from my mind and move on. Maybe someday I will really find a place in my heart to truly forgive all that you did to me.

Daniella! Such a beautiful name; such a scary memory! My worst days yet have been spent with you, and I would rather live alone all my days than spend another minute with you. I remember the early days of our acquaintance, when I was drunk with the wine of your love and swept away by the aura of your presence. Your carriage and conduct did more to me than years of training and education could withstand. Nobody warned about such charms as yours. You were simply too much for me, and I could only be grateful I had the pleasure of possessing such a treasure as you. Your eager submission and cooperation in those days had a conquering effect on me that most arguments and intellectual discourses have not been able to match since. And I should hope never to be conquered in such a manner again!

Your transformation into the woman I came to detest seemed to be sudden. What went wrong? Where did I get it wrong? What did I fail to do? Or were you just a time bomb waiting to explode? It is only because of the mercies of the Almighty that I was not consumed in that explosion. You suddenly became dissatisfied with the life we lived and began to pick quarrels at every opportunity, even creating opportunity when there was none. You seemed determined to push me, to force me to make our life better. But I thought our life was good. I thought you knew that. But I was wrong. Were you letting off steam you had gathered over a long period of time? Or did you make new friends who taught you new things – things that scattered our marriage? I would often wonder if life alone would not be better. I guess it is, after all. You took it too far when you began to refuse my advances in bed. It was bad enough that I was eating out to escape the judgment of starvation you passed on me; but to refuse me in bed? The marriage might as well have broken down!

I bore it all, hoping we could make some compromises and rebuild, but you were set on making demands I could not meet, and had therefore set the course for the eventual breakdown of the marriage it cost us so much to build. Daniella, even now I remember with sweet sadness our last moments together. Sweet, because I knew I was soon to be free to live in peace again, but sad because the break-up represented a failure in my own life and decision-making as well. But a living failure is better than a dead hero-to-be. The living still has the chance of making a success of the rest of his life, but the dead is gone and unable to finish his heroic act of saving a marriage that was bound for destruction. And I am alive to tell the painful story of our short-lived marriage; that is a plus for me.  As I put my pen to rest, I pray that God will heal all that is broken in me and give me grace to forgive you. I also pray for strength to live the new life that I have found after being separated from destruction, the destruction that threatened to cut me short before mid-life. And on a last note, I pray that God will rescue every other man from you, and then rescue you from the hands of the Evil One, who so threatens to make a mess of your transient life.

Author: thetoyintaiwo

My name is Oluwatoyin J. Taiwo – a Christian, an Engineer, and a Writer. I enjoy reading, travelling and watching football + lawn tennis. I love working with young people, especially teenagers. I believe that people are shaped by the words they hear or read, and our most important decisions are those we make in the first three decades of life.

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